10/02/2022
So… this one is another I wrote a while ago and have really struggled a little with posting it. It’s raw.. and really makes me vulnerable. Not to mention I have not re-read it to check it is completed and free of errors, but I don’t want to chicken out and decide to erase half of it… I want to keep the authenticity of it.
So here it is…
05/01/21
Well we have had Christmas and new year since the first blog. It has been a busy time, as I mentioned in my intro blog, my grandpa passed away, so lots of family coming and going, amongst Christmas and New Years, the juggling game of trying to work kids seeing both sides of split families.
I’m not sure where to go with this blog today to be honest… I have gone through so many things this last couple of weeks, I could have do so many topics. As I mentioned last time, they are all intertwined in a way as well. A brief rundown of the last couple of weeks inside the head of “me” might help to make a decision about which topic to challenge more specifically this round..
Before covid, I would see my mum maybe once a month or so. Being in a different state, that completely changed once covid hit. The weekend my grandpa died, was the first time I had seen my mum in almost 12 months exact. Mum was able to come up just prior to the borders due to the circumstances and that she lives in the border bubble, and is double vaccinated.
My grandpa was in a nursing home, mum had been updated from my uncle that he was not doing well at all and she should come up to visit him if she can. I drove to meet mum at the nursing home, to have myself and my daughter turned away as we did not have the flu shot.
There are a lot of different theories going around about COVID and the vaccinations. I was not keen on getting the vaccine, especially so early on with so many possible outcomes. Not that I am anti-van. I am pro-choice. And I am very lucky to say that where I am in QLD, you would hardly even know COVID was a thing. That is always going to have such an impact on ones thoughts about their options.
So my mum updates my brother and I on my grandpas condition leading up to this when he first starts going downhill. I make the decision to go get the jab. We are not allowed in the nursing home unless we are double jabbed. Mum gets another update that it really is not looking good now, and plans to head up as soon as she receives her negative COVID test. I have just received jab number 2 on the Friday, mum gets here Friday night and we plan to go see my grandpa Saturday morning.
Saturday morning, my daughter and I are turned away at the nursing home because I’m not up to date with my flu shot, and Hayley has not had any COVID shots or flu shots.
All the vaccination rules have only been enforced for 16 years and over. Silly me didn’t even think to consider this would be different at the nursing home.
Hayley and I give mum a hug, ask her to say hello to pa and head back to the car to make some calls about where I could get a flu shot from without having to see a go – some pharmacies will do this for you. Turns out, you have to wait at least a week either side of the covid vaccine.. I’m all out of luck at this stage.
We have been wasting time Christmas shopping, mum calls and says we are allowed in due to the circumstances! Hayley and I are pretty happy and wrap up what wee are doing and head to the car. We get in the car, start driving and mum calls again, in tears. Don’t bother coming. It’s too late, he’s gone.
I’m devastated. I’m so angry. We were so close to seeing him. We get to he nursing home to be with mum and see him anyway, and I cant help but feel anger toward the staff there. If they had just got organised and spoke with the manager when we were there an hour or two before, we could have seen him before he died. They took that opportunity away from us.
Then I have a reality check.
It’s not their fault. They are trying so hard to keep the entire nursing home safe and follow all the rules to keep their jobs.
It’s not ok to be so angry. It’s not ok to put the blame on someone else. It is a crappy situation, an unfortunate one. But it is what it is.
The following week is the viewing and the funeral. Another big, draining few days.
I have always been the person that people lean on. The strong one, the fixer. This is something that I have issues with now trying to set myself boundaries with others, and allowing myself to have feelings of my own and prioritising them.
Having my kids at the funeral, this automatically goes out the window. I am there for them, and try hard to not let my emotions come out to strong or take away their time and need to express theirs. The thing though that I struggled with though, was how much emotion can I show? I want to be able to be present at my grandpas funeral. I want to be able to acknowledge what is happening and to move through the grieving process. Buuuut guess who is stuck in the old habit there!
I’m sure it is healthy for the kids to see us all going through the emotions and grieving. But I have always struggled with people seeing me vulnerable. That is something I need to keep working on.
Next up is Christmas and new year. Everyone know this story. Lots of family, the good, the crazy, the fun, the drama. Amongst all this, Brandon has plenty of fun and games with his shop with staffing issues and machinery breakdowns. Neither of us have had a chance to really stop and catch our breath. And now its back to work.
This last few weeks has really been quite draining on everyone. And what I should have been ensuing stayed as a priority – me own needs, slipped to the bottom of the pile. I have an ongoing history with depression and anxiety. I have come so far with it, but still slip up when I wear myself out and don’t do any things for myself that I know helps me stay on track.
So I guess this all leads to something I am getting my focus back on – healthy body and minds.
Over the Christmas period, I slacked right off with my exercise, and even just ensuring I had some me time.
Generally, I have a fairly active life. I try to go to the gym once a week, a boxing/exercise class once a week, and just be generally active with the kids throughout the week. I try to make the conscious effort to have some time where I can just relax, go for a walk, read a book, enjoy a trashy movie… just anything that lets me relax and not have to worry about anything for a while. I also love having my lists and being organised with what jobs I have to do and what goals I want to work toward.
These things may seem fairly normal and simple to a lot of people, and too busy and full on for others. These are things I have found to be my saviours in the past with my mental health. Generally, most people need something to give them a purpose, some look for something to escape, or to work through emotions that they don’t know how to on their own.
I want to have a healthy lifestyle for myself, I want to be a good example for my kids. I want to use something good Ike exercise to help me move my body and clear my mind. My goals help give me a direction, something to focus on and work toward.
I stopped all of this over the last few weeks. Not to mention having a number of other things happening to my body, like having the jabs, a course of antibiotics and starting on a contraception. The whole episode has been a big reminder of why I have tried so hard to stay on top of having a healthy body. Letting my routines slip has impacted so many areas, my work, my motivation, my relationship with my kids, my relationship with Brandon, my relationship with myself.
So now I am starting over again, getting my body healthy and my mid healthy. This is something I will share with you along the way. Go over what I am doing, what helps, how long it takes me to get back to my usual self again, and what struggles I have along the way.
Today is Wednesday. I started this journey on Sunday with a morning following a 20minute full body stretch. I gave myself permission to say no to participating in events that I would usually just go along with. Not that I don’t want to participate, but I needed the quiet alone time to help my body recharge
Monday was listening to podcasts about different holistic practices such a as meditation, manifestation, Chinese medicine and acupuncture.
Tuesday was my first day going back to the exercise class and back to work.
Today, walking through cotton fields…
Safe to say, I have already felt a difference. Letting go of expectations and worries I was hanging on to about others thoughts and feelings, allowing myself to be a priority and show myself some love, has had a big impact on my. Mindset already. I am allowing myself to remember the goals I had, and start to feel like I can actually get back on track.
It always amazes me during a downer, how much it feels like you wont be able to get back out. Every time I get out of one, I am so confident I will be able to save it before I get too far gone. But it can happen so fast, and sneak up on you when your busy and chasing your tail.
I would love to use this platform to share my story, get. Feedback and stories from others what helps them, and explore and share more about holistic lifestyle practices are out there.